Numb
by SlickShoesQueen15
Summary: Ken gets raped by Osamu and Daisuke and his mother get Osamu arrested....Chapter 3 is finally up!
1. Default Chapter

[a/n] sad but true, I do not owe Ken, Osamu or Daisuke which pretty damn well sucks.   
  
Numb  
  
I woke up very late that morning with a throbbing headache. I couldn't remember last night very clear until I realized I was on the floor practically naked. I sat up and looked around, no one was around. Last night was something I thought would never happen, let me start from the beginning.  
  
Time is being what you want me to be  
  
feeling so faithless, lost under the surface   
  
don't know what your expecting of me  
  
put under the pressure of walking in your shoes  
  
It felt like any other day. I woke up that morning and got ready for school, I greeted my parents and Osamu in the kitchen. I sat down and ate my breakfast quietly, like I do everyday when I have a test at school. I was very unsure if I was going to do well but it seemed not to matter, after school I was going to see Daisuke, my boyfriend. He made me so happy and I felt so much like myself when me and him were together. After breakfast I headed for the door but before I walked out the door Osamu caught me by the shoulder, I turned around and smiled at him, genuinely.  
  
"Remember what we went through last night?" He asked me.   
  
"I remember, I think I'm gonna ace the test" I replied politely.   
  
"Good, I hoped I wasn't wasting my time with you" He mumbled walking away from me. I felt slightly discouraged as I headed out the door and caught the bus to school.   
  
caught in the undertone, just caught in the undertone  
  
every step that I take is another mistake to you  
  
caught in the undertone just caught in the undertone  
  
Later after the test, the class got it's results back immediately...78 percent. That wasn't bad, in fact I thought it was alright but next time I would try harder. I went through the rest of the day daydreaming of when I see Daisuke tonight. He was so beautiful. He was goofy, silly and never thinking things straight through but that's what I loved about him. I remember the first time we kissed, we both were scared and nervous but yet it was beautiful and loving. I always love kissing him. I love holding him. I love everything about my Daisuke.   
  
The bell rings, it's time to go home...for now. I pull out of my seat and make my way to my locker. I put some books back and take my weekend homework out and when everything was perfectly organized I locked my locker and walked away.   
  
When I got home Osamu was sitting at the kitchen table. There was a feeling like he was waiting for me to come home and that he was waiting for me for a very serious reason.   
  
"Hello, Osamu-sama" I used the formal because that's how he liked it as much as I thought it was silly for me to call him by "sama".   
  
"Did you get you test result back?" He asked lowly.   
  
"Yeah, I did!" I perked up handing him the test in my hand. He grabbed it from me, took one look and his face went red.   
  
"78 percent?" He asked almost mad. "That's your mark?!" He shouted louder.   
  
"I think it's good" I said.   
  
"Your so stupid!" He screamed throwing the paper to the floor. "We went over everything! Everything! I wasted my precious time with you and all you can show me is a 78!"   
  
"I'm sorry if I disappoint you, Osamu" Shortly after that my face was collided by a fist. I fell to the ground still trying to comprehend what just happened.   
  
I become so numb  
  
I can feel you there  
  
become so tired, so much more aware  
  
I'm becoming this, all I want to do  
  
is be more like me and be less like you  
  
I rubbed my cheek in shock, before I could help myself he had me by my hair. I screamed as he dragged me up. I met eyes with him, mine almost tearing, his very mad. There was a silence in the room for a moment, then he let me go. I returned back to my knees. I was so scared and wasn't sure what he was going to do next to me.   
  
"Your gonna pay for being a idiot, Ken" He warned as he took me by my hair again and dragged me into his room. He let me go for a minute as he locked the door behind us, I wanted to scream but there was no possible way I could find my voice. He turned to me and slapped me hard and in my moment of weakness he pushed me on the bed and...raped me. He raped me like I was a helpless little girl. I felt humiliated and guilty. This was my fault, I pissed him off, I deserve this and I will take my punishment like a real man would.   
  
After is was over I laid there, numb. This felt weird and wrong. I felt sick and dirty and there was nothing I could do to help myself. Osamu fell asleep beside me, so I slowly crawled out of the bed and made my way to the bathroom. I took a warm bath, trying to scrub the guilt and dirtiness away, but no avail, I still felt dirty. I sat in the bath tub until the water went cold. I then slowly crawled out of the bath tub and got dressed. I didn't want to go see Daisuke, I felt too ashamed of myself.   
  
Can't you see that you smothering me   
  
holding to tightly, afraid to lose control   
  
cause everything that you thought I would be  
  
is falling apart, right in front of you   
  
There was a hard knock on the door about a hour later. I got up from the couch I had been sitting on and walked to the door. I opened the door to see Daisuke there, with worried eyes.   
  
"Dude, where we're you?" He asked as he forcefully stepped into the apartment.   
  
"I...I forgot?" I tried to give a quick answer.   
  
"Yeah right, I'm not that stupid. What happened, man?" He asked again. I couldn't lie to him anymore. I fell right into his arms and cried so hard. I told him everything...everything. I felt him hold me closer as I told him the disgusting things that Osamu did to me, I could tell me was getting sick to his stomach.  
  
"Sh, don't cry Ken. It will be alright" He assured me. I couldn't believe him, how could I? I felt taken and invaded and nothing was gonna be alright with that.   
  
"Ken..." I heard a familiar voice call. I froze, it was Osamu. I pulled myself closer to Daisuke and he held me closer. "Ken, where are you?" I heard him voice get closer.  
  
" I won't let anything happen to you, Ken" Daisuke whispered.   
  
Caught in the undertone just caught in the undertone   
  
every step that I take is another mistake to you  
  
caught in the undertone just caught in the undertone   
  
every second I waste is more that I can take   
  
Osamu appeared in the door way and noticed me and Daisuke tightly held together. I buried my face in Daisuke's sweater, he wouldn't let anything happen to me, right?   
  
"Ken, on the count of three I want you to run out that door and don't stop until you reach the bottom of those stairs" He whispered his instructions to me. I nodded to show I understood. "One, two....three!" And I was out that door and down those stairs in record timing, there was a real reason why I was called the rocket, you know. I waited behind the stairs incase Osamu came down instead of Daisuke. I waited for about fifteen minutes until I heard footsteps. They did belong to my Daisuke, he looked around for me nervously. I could hear footsteps coming behind him. I jumped out of my hiding spot and he saw me. He took my hand we both started running into the streets and further until we reached a bus stop. I stopped and looked at Daisuke, he was out of breath.   
  
"Ken, are you alright?" He asked looking at me.   
  
"I'm so scared" I replied pulling him close.   
  
"I know you are. Come on, we can make it to my place in about twenty minutes if we start now"  
  
With that I took his hand and let him lead me to his apartment. I had never thought I would put trust in anyone early when I laid on Osamu's bed being pounded into, but something about Daisuke always let me trust him, but he was unable to break my numbness.   
  
I become so numb  
  
I can feel you there  
  
become so tired, so much more aware  
  
I'm becoming this, all I want to do  
  
is be more like me and be less like you  
  
When we made it to his house he sat me on the couch as he looked around the spacious apartment to see if anyone was home. There was no one but his mother home.   
  
"Oh, Ken. How are you?" She asked as she sat beside. I didn't want to lie to her either. Daisuke didn't lie she flat out told her what had happened. At first it looked like she didn't believe him until she looked back at me for a straight answer, like she does so many times. I nodded in agreement to what she had heard from Daisuke. Her eyes widened as she collaborated me in a embrace. I didn't feel very nervous, I had always trusted Daisuke's mother.   
  
"We have to tell someone" Daisuke insisted.   
  
"But, I" I started by I was interrupted by Mrs Motomiya.   
  
"I agree. Get the Phone Daisuke" She commanded.   
  
Daisuke had never really did what his mother told him to do but this of obviously an exception to him, he got on his feet and returned in a few seconds with the phone. She started dialling the numbers and began to shake a little more. Soon after she took me and Daisuke down to the station and there in handcuffs, I saw my own brother. He looked at me with fury, I can always tell when he is angry. I was then taken to a room with a table and two chairs and I sat down with a male cop as I told him everything that had happened.  
  
"Can you tell me what happened, son?" He asked me.   
  
"He raped me" I said very simply but very sadly.   
  
"Was there a reason behind it?"   
  
"I didn't do good enough on a test he helped me study for"   
  
I watched him write down my answers as asserted them to him. After a few more questions he put his book down and started explaining to me what was going to happen.   
  
"You will spend tonight in a hospital, we will copy his finger marks off your skin and will raid the apartment for evidence, can you tell me what you wore before he raped you?"   
  
"My school uniform"   
  
"That will be all. The woman that brought you in will be taking you to the hospital" He explained and left the room. After I minute I walked out and saw my own parents with Mrs Motomiya.   
  
And I know you know this feeling too  
  
"Ken, are you alright?" My mother asked as she held me tight.   
  
"I can't believe this happened to you, son" My father stated to me.   
  
"Don't you worry, Ken. You will never get hurt by him again. After the trail things will begin to heal" My Mother cried to me as she still cradled me in her arms.   
  
"A trail?" I asked.   
  
"Yes, Ken" She replied. This is something I do not want to do. Sit in the same room as that person and tell the judge, jury and a bunch of strangers how he tortured me. I sat down in a chair and cried.   
  
TBC   
  
Like? Don't like? Good reviews for the soul? Flames for marshmallows? *Holds out stick and bag of marshmallows* anyone?   
  
Next chapter: trouble me 


	2. Trouble me

a/n: I don't own them yeah yeah yeah I wish but no ;_;what can i say?  
  
Trouble me   
  
It had been three weeks since the rape. I had been sitting in the same hospital bed for days on, getting finger prints removed off my skin and my most private places. I felt so invaded by nurses and Doctor's touching me in places Daisuke had never even touched me yet. My parents \  
  
spent almost everyday with me but I was deprived of my Daisuke's comforting brown eyes. I didn't like it here. I didn't like it here at all.   
  
I sat up and stared at the white wall diagonal from me. I felt like that wall, naked and empty. I stayed in the same place all the time and I had been there so often that people say me here as a wall, something always here. It can't be natural for a twelve year old to have this problem. To be scared of going outside, not knowing who is gonna come up on you and try to hurt you. To want to stay in the same place even though deep inside you want out so bad. Oh the trouble I feel, troubled me.   
  
Trouble me, disturb me with all your cares and your worries   
  
Trouble me, on the days when you feel spent   
  
Why let your shoulders bend, underneath this burden when my back in sturdy and strong  
  
Trouble me  
  
  
  
That night I laid slightly on my bed while my mother sat to my side and watched me like a hawk. She was always concerned about me but this, this terrible event, made her worry even more.   
  
"Ken, honey? The nurses say you won't eat a thing? Why won't you eat? You'll feel better" She said with a concerned voice. I stayed silent, not answering my mother as I usually do. "Ken, what could I do to have you eat. Three whole days of not eating, your gonna get sick".   
  
"I want to see Daisuke" I simply told her as I turned my back facing her. She gave a desperate sighed and pulled her chair closer to my bed.   
  
"Maybe if it's possible, I can bring Daisuke to see you tomorrow." She suggested. My face lite up, nothing matter around me now. I was most likely going to see my Daisuke tomorrow. "On the event that you eat something" She ended.   
  
That night I slept very well, unlike the other days of being in the hospital. I watched some television and slowly fell asleep to the sounds of television. I woke up that morning and strangely the first thing that popped into my head was the exact moments I was being raped by Osamu. I sat up immediately and looked around the room, I was ok. I shook my head as I turned around to see Daisuke right in my face. Before anything could be comprehended or said my lips were being crushed by him, gently. I had always missed him kissing me, it was so unique the way he did. I left him release me, to my great disappointment.   
  
"Ken, you look so sick" Was the first thing he said to me as he released me from my bliss.   
  
"Just haven't eaten a lot" I told him, turning away from him.   
  
"Well, that kinda sucks man. Your gotta be strong for the trail" He told me as he brushed my cheek with his naked hand.   
  
"I know but there is no point. Why do they need a trail, they got his hand prints all over my cloths and body, what more proof do they need?" I asked looking right at him.   
  
"You don't want to be in the same room as him, do you?" He asked.   
  
Right after he asked me that I completely broke down in his arms. I cradled myself and cried so hard. Daisuke made me break my self-embrace and slowly I put my arms around his shoulders and he wrapped his arms around my waist. He pulled me close and let me cry, to be true it felt nice to cry, I haven't for a long time. I felt his lips all over my tear-soaked face, he was perfectly gentle. I felt so troubled still, trouble me.   
  
Speak to me   
  
don't slip me, the call I feel means a stormy swelling  
  
Speak to me   
  
There's no telling when it's dark to hollowness   
  
Speak to me  
  
Why are you building thick, thick wall to defend me?   
  
Speak to me  
  
When you silence is my greatest fear?   
  
Why let your shoulders bend, underneath this burden when my back in sturdy and strong  
  
Trouble me  
  
A week later my court date arrived. I was lucky to have Daisuke and my parents sitting in that courtroom for support. I don't think anyone can understand how hard it is to sit in the same room as the same person that had given you the worst torture in the world. When I saw him enter the room the first thing he did was look at me and give me that disappointed look that seemed a little too familiar for my liking. I turned back and looked at Daisuke and my parents. Daisuke gave me a faint smile while my parents gave me the most concerned look I had ever seen from them.   
  
"Will Ken Ichijoji (a/n:sorry if I didn't spell it right ^_^') approach the stand" The judge order. I got up and sat in that small place beside the judges spot and looked at Osamu one more time.   
  
"Please, Mr Ichijoji, tell me in your own words what happened on the night of April 27th ?" The judge asked me.   
  
I looked out at everyone. I was so nervous, more nervous then ever before. This wasn't fair to me, I felt so wounded by what Osamu had did to me and now they put me in front of these people and order me to tell them what happened that night, if it were up to me I would run away and never want to look at any of them again! But then again what would I do without Daisuke? Or my parents? With that plain thought in mind I began to speak.   
  
"That night, I came home from school to show Osamu my test that he had helped me study for the night before. I came out with a 78%, which wasn't my best but it was a far pass. When I showed it to me he was upset that I could only get that mark out of all that studying. He gave me and slight beating and dragged me to his bedroom" I stopped for a minute to pushed back the tears and to gather more strength. This wasn't fair to me, I was so troubled, trouble me.   
  
Let me   
  
have a look inside these eyes while I'm learning   
  
Let me   
  
please don't hide them, just because there tears  
  
Let me  
  
send you off to sleep with a bad, bad dream that has you turning and tossing  
  
Let me  
  
let me know where the hurt is and how to heal.  
  
Spare. Spare me! Don't spare me anything! Trouble me.  
  
I went on and on until I couldn't go on anymore. I burst out into tears and looked at Osamu again. He was furious with me, but then again he seemed to look slightly guilty, I can't tell his feelings. I drained my tears back and was about to go on but I was stopped by the judge.   
  
"I think I've heard enough. This is truly one of the most sick and disgusting things I have ever heard. I sentence Osamu Ichijoji to fifteen years in jail, two years of parol and he will receive therapy and mental help throughout those seventeen years. Case is adjured." He hit his mallet on his desk and the case was over. I felt a sigh of relief but when I turned back to my brother, as he was carried off by two men in informs. I was sad but still relieved that he can't hurt me hurt me anymore. But I am still troubled, trouble me.   
  
Trouble me, disturb me with all your cares and your worries   
  
Speak to me, let our words be our shelter from the storm  
  
Let me, and lately let me know what I've command.   
  
There's more honesty then my sweet friend, you can see. Trust is what I'm offering.  
  
If you trouble me.   
  
I'm still scared, but I will be alright in a while. All I know is for the next seventeen years I am out of my brother's grasp. I will be safe and maybe if I am lucky, he will never find me. If he does find me, I am looking at a life of hell. I know he the least he would do is kill me. Maybe I am worrying to much about this. I have time to do something about it, but until then I am free and safe in the arms of Daisuke and my parents.   
  
A/n- see I make things a little better right??? There will be a next chapter but I am unsure what song I will do it with. It might take a while I have to finish 'yeah, Cody's lost it', "Tracey and Kendryn' 'Jaded' and this before I can move onto my Yolei and Ken story and my Kouichi and Izumi story. I'm trying here people -_-;; 


	3. Not grey

(A/n): Hello people! Sorry I took so long getting this part up but I just got the time right now so please enjoy. This fanfiction is more about the anxiety Ken is going through when it comes to the final years of Osamu's life in jail.   
  
Not grey   
  
I hate being scared and I hate not knowing what is going to happen. I use to know everything but not knowing some of these things scares me. I feel so cold and unsafe. I want breathe again. I hate sitting here wandering if he is gonna show up on my door step tomorrow and try to have his way with me again. Oh how that one day tortures me. The therapists and psychologists don't help, they always tell me to explain how I felt and all the do it make me relive the nightmare. It's not good for my health. I've tried to end my life five times already because I don't think God himself wants me to live in this pain but if I stopped myself or someone stops me, shouldn't that mean he has a plan? The song keeps playing and playing on the radio:   
  
I'll lay me down tonight  
  
Much further down  
  
Swim in the calm tonight  
  
This art does drown  
  
I feel sick now, just wandering if that sick fucker is thinking of me now. If he is wanting me in his tiny little jail cell, the hell I damned him to. I've been meaning to go see him, because everyone says I should confront my fear of him but I just can't do it. I want to doe! Does no one understand that! But no! I can't die because my parents would feel like failures and my friends would be so sad and Daisuke, I can't break his heart. I've never felt such confusion in my lifetime and I want to be free of it all. I wish I would have just aced that one test, then nothing would have happened. I wish I wasn't an idiot. I get up and leave the dinner table without excusing myself, my parents don't stop me, they understand. I shut the door the naked room I call my own. I flop on the bed and cry so hard. Something has got to click or has to happen. No therapist and psychologist will help me with that, it has to be me. The song keeps playing and playing on the radio:   
  
(What follows) me as the whitest lace of light  
  
(Will swallow whole) just begs to be imbrued?  
  
What follows has lead me to this place  
  
where I belong, with all erased  
  
It's much past midnight now and I haven't slept for minute. Daisuke tells me to call him if I can't sleep but I don't want to wake him up. He is so beautiful when he sleeps and I hate to know I spoiled that for a minute. I shake in a corner of my room. I fear getting up, I fear the world. Could Osamu being sorry for what happened by any chance? Don't think about it, Ken!...Could he? What if he is? And what if I want to forgive him and move on? No. Not now. Maybe someday but not now for me. I slowly creep out of my corner and walk closer to my dresser. I don't have to forgive him if I am dead. I walk down the small hallway to the bathroom and pull out of my dad's shaving razors. This will do fine. I start at the top of my forearm and start letting it move down slowly and painful. They say when someone is committing suicide and it is the only way out they feel a sense a relief. Then why don't I feel that relief from life? It must be wrong! I drop the razor and cover the bleeding arm. I gently wash my wound and dress it as best as I can. When I do a well enough job I walk back into my room. The song keeps playing and playing on the radio:   
  
All insects sing tonight  
  
The coldest sound  
  
I'd send God's grace tonight  
  
Could it be found?  
  
I feel nervous now. That was the first time I had ever gotten so far as to make myself bleed. It doesn't feel good like I knew it was going to. It didn't feel good because it would have been the wrong thing to do. I sit back on my bed and cry a little more. Maybe something will heal me form all this pain when the time is right. I don't have that kind of time on me! I'm seventeen years old and I can't wait forever for a healing moment. I have to make it happen. But what is healing? My schoolwork can't heal me, it just gives me more pressure because every time I'm doing a test I feel I have to do very well because I don't know if I will come home and Osamu will be there waiting to see it and have history repeat itself for me. How is that healing? But now I remember a lot of musicians heal themselves with music! Where did Dad put his old guitar form when he was in a rock band? I go and search for the guitar that has so many stories to it. The song keeps playing and playing on the radio:   
  
(What follows) me as the whitest lace of light  
  
(Will swallow whole) just begs to be imbrued?  
  
What follows has lead me to this place  
  
where I belong, with all erased  
  
Found! The guitar was black and dusty but still in prefect tone from the last time he played. I carefully take it out of his case and carry it back to my room. I don't know how to play a single note. How will I learn? I sat there for a couple of minutes with the guitar in my thin, pale hands and thought to myself. If millions of musician thought themselves how to play their instruments then boy genius- me, could do the same. I close my eyes and imagine me playing it like the rock stars do. I imagine the music I would play and how soothing it would be for a jaded soul like my own. This has to be as easy as it seems. I cradle the guitar like my father had showed me how a thousand times and played one little note on it. It sounded alright. I played that note again and played another one- sour! I then adjusted my fingers a different way and played again-sour! Again-not so bad. Again- good. I kept adding on to the notes til I got them just the way I liked it. It seemed to feel right when I could hear my heart beat to the sounds. The song keeps playing and playing on the radio:   
  
I'll lay me down tonight  
  
Much further down  
  
Watch stars go out tonightOn sinking ground  
  
I feel stronger then I had ever felt in these few years. I feel like I could play this guitar all night. I can't help myself I have to play more and more. I feel so strong and proud of myself. I will do well this is guitar. This guitar is my healing tool and I will create music that will release me from the pain Osamu caused me and it hurts a lot less then cutting myself. The song keeps playing and playing on the radio:   
  
I'll lay me down, I'll lay me down  
  
I put the guitar down for a while and reflect on how I feel now. I feel like I felt before all this had happened. It seemed as though it had been lifted off my like a terrible burden I have carried with me for the longest time. I go to my desk and write down few band names- that's right. I'm gonna start a band. It will take a long time to get it together but with the right notes and people I will play and hopefully heal many of there painful times- this hasn't happened to just me. Many kids have had these problems and it ruins them too and I want them to know they are not alone in this unfair and cruel world. The song keeps playing and playing on radio:   
  
(What follows) me as the whitest lace of light  
  
(Will swallow whole) just begs to be imbrued?  
  
What follows has lead me to this place  
  
where I belong, with all erased  
  
The next I went to see Daisuke and I told him of the events of last night. He held me when I told him about the cutting part but he felt better when I told him I couldn't do it. When I told him about the music last night his brown eyes gazed into mine and when I said I wanted to start a band he said he was the proudest boyfriend he could ever be. I was so happy for the first time in a long time. I also said I wanted to make it my quest through my music to tell other kids with terrible experiences like mine that they aren't alone and they can be heal and relieved from it all and Daisuke burst into tears. I can feel that this is the right thing to do.   
  
To be continued  
  
What do u guys think? I know it took a while for me to get this up but let's all rejoice that I fianlly did. R+R Or I'll shave the kitten *Shows you kitten and shaver* :D 


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